LOVING-KINDNESS MEDITATION

The original name of this practice is metta bhavana, which comes from the Pali language. Metta means ‘love’ (in a non-romantic sense), friendliness, or kindness: hence ‘loving-kindness’ for short. It is an emotion, something you feel in your heart. Bhavana means development or cultivation. The commonest form of the practice is in five stages, each of which should last about five minutes for a beginner.

It is a fact of life that many people are troubled by difficult emotional states in the pressured societies we live in, but do little in terms of developing skills to deal with them. Yet, even when the mind goes sour it is within most people's capacity to arouse positive feelings to sweeten it. 

Loving-kindness is a meditation practice taught by the Buddha to develop the mental habit of selfless or altruistic love. In the Dhammapada can be found the saying: "Hatred cannot coexist with loving-kindness, and dissipates if supplanted with thoughts based on loving-kindness."

Loving-kindness is a meditation practice, which brings about positive attitudinal changes as it systematically develops the quality of 'loving-acceptance'. It acts, as it were, as a form of self-psychotherapy, a way of healing the troubled mind to free it from its pain and confusion. 

Of all Buddhist meditations, loving-kindness has the immediate benefit of sweetening and changing old habituated negative patterns of mind. To put it into its context, Loving-kindness is the first of a series of meditations that produce four qualities of love: Friendliness, Compassion, Appreciative Joy and Equanimity. 

The quality of 'friendliness' is expressed as warmth that reaches out and embraces others. When loving-kindness practice matures it naturally overflows into compassion, as one empathises with other people's difficulties; on the other hand one needs to be wary of pity, as its near enemy, as it merely mimics the quality of concern without empathy. The positive expression of empathy is an appreciation of other people's good qualities or good fortune, or appreciative joy, rather than feelings of jealousy towards them. This series of meditations comes to maturity as 'on-looking equanimity'. This 'engaged equanimity' must be cultivated within the context of this series of meditations, or there is a risk of it manifesting as its near enemy, indifference or aloofness. So, ultimately you remain kindly disposed and caring toward everybody with an equal spread of loving feelings and acceptance in all situations and relationships.

How to do it . . .

To practice loving-kindness meditation, sit in a comfortable and relaxed manner. Take two or three deep breaths with slow, long and complete exhalations. Let go of any concerns or preoccupations. For a few minutes, feel or imagine the breath moving through the center of your chest - in the area of your heart. (If resistance is experienced then it indicates that feelings of unworthiness are present. No matter, this means there is work to be done, as the practice itself is designed to overcome any feelings of self-doubt or negativity. Then you are ready to systematically develop loving-kindness towards others.) 

Metta is first practiced toward oneself, since we often have difficulty loving others without first loving ourselves. Sitting quietly, mentally repeat, slowly and steadily, the following or similar phrases: May I be happy. May I be well. May I be safe. May I be peaceful and at ease. While you say these phrases, allow yourself to sink into the intentions they express. 

Loving-kindness meditation consists primarily of connecting to the intention of wishing ourselves or others happiness. However, if feelings of warmth, friendliness, or love arise in the body or mind, connect to them, allowing them to grow as you repeat the phrases. As an aid to the meditation, you might hold an image of yourself in your mind's eye. This helps reinforce the intentions expressed in the phrases. 

After a period of directing loving-kindness toward yourself, bring to mind a friend or someone in your life who has deeply cared for you. Then slowly repeat phrases of loving-kindness toward them: May you be happy. May you be well. May you be safe. May you be peaceful and at ease. As you say these phrases, again sink into their intention or heartfelt meaning. And, if any feelings of loving-kindness arise, connect the feelings with the phrases so that the feelings may become stronger as you repeat the words. As you continue the meditation, you can bring to mind other friends, neighbors, acquaintances, strangers, animals, and finally people with whom you have difficulty.

You can either use the same phrases, repeating them again and again, or make up phrases that better represent the loving-kindness you feel toward these beings. 

Sometimes during loving-kindness meditation, seemingly opposite feelings such as anger, grief, or sadness may arise. Take these to be signs that your heart is softening, revealing what is held there. You can either shift to mindfulness practice or you can—with whatever patience, acceptance, and kindness you can muster for such feelings—direct loving-kindness toward them. Above all, remember that there is no need to judge yourself for having these feelings.

The visualisations, reflections and the repetition of loving-kindness are devices to help you arouse positive feelings of loving-kindness. You can use all of them or one that works best for you. When the positive feeling arise, switch from the devices to the feeling, as it is the feeling that is the primary focus. 

Keep the mind fixed on the feeling, if it strays bring it back to the device, or if the feelings weaken or are lost then return to the device, i.e. use the visualisation to bring back or strengthen the feeling.

Loving-kindness is a heart meditation and should not to be seen as just a formal sitting practice removed from everyday life. So take your good vibes outside into the streets, at home, at work and into your relationships. Applying the practice to daily life is a matter of directing a friendly attitude and having openness toward everybody you relate to, without discrimination.

There are as many different ways of doing it as there are levels of intensity in the practice. This introduction is intended to help you familiarize yourself with the basic technique, so that you can become established in the practice before going on, if you wish, to the deeper, systematic practice - to the level of meditative absorption.

HOW TO STOP FEELING OVERWHELMED BY WORK

"Stress" is an emotion. "Feeling pressured", "feeling overwhelmed", and "feeling tense" are all emotions too.

Handling a high workload can be a very emotionally charged experience requiring high levels of emotional intelligence and emotional resilience.

Low levels of emotional intelligence can contribute to making workplaces more stressful than they need to be.In contrast, having high emotional intelligence skills can help individuals and groups cope with the pressure and stress of a busy, tense and demanding workplace, the pressure of multiple responsibilities, and the conflicting demands of high workloads.

This article will examine how we can be very busy and handle all our many responsibilities without feeling overwhelmed, and while staying content, productive and emotionally healthy.

HERE ARE SOME EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE TIPS ON HOW TO STOP FEELING OVERWHELMED BY A HIGH WORKLOAD.

1 -  SORT THE DEMANDS INTO AREAS: Stress and feeling overwhelmed can occur when we feel stretched across too many different activities, responsibilities and tasks. By separating the demands into different areas it may reduce the feelings of overwhelm. For example, much of my life has been very full. What I have found really useful in managing this is to allocate the load into different areas that I can manage separately. I find this stops me from getting overwhelmed by how much there is to do, as I can move from one section to another instead of seeing it all in one overwhelming mass.

For example, here are the four sections I moved between at one stage of my life:

• Running a full time business.
• Being a voluntary CEO of a large not-for-profit organisation.
• My family responsibilities.
• Teaching.

When I saw my workload whittled down into these four areas of responsibilities, they didn't overwhelm me. It also kept me focussed and on track. In contrast, if I don't have these groups, I end up looking at one big, incredibly long to-do list and freak out. I still separate my areas. I presently have my four main work areas, and a fifth minor one, written out and stuck on my computer to remind me.

What are the different areas of your life - can you split them up to make it seem more manageable? It is an essential emotional intelligence skill. Separating out demands helps many people to manage their emotions.

2 - DO THE PRIORITIES IN EACH AREA: Once you have your separate areas of work or responsibilities identified, your next step is to be able to identify your priority task in each one and do only the priorities.

Each day I identify the number one priority in each area and do that. I try to do the priorities first before any unimportant nice-to-do things. Although these nice-to-do things can be pleasant they don't help manage my workload. Doing the priorities stops the stress from building up.

I remember the days I used to do the nice, small things first and then feel enormous pressure as I still had the priorities to tend to. Hopefully those days are over and I now have higher levels of emotional intelligence.

Do you attend to your priorities? Are you doing your priorities? Do you even stop to ask yourself what they are? Knowing your priorities is being emotionally intelligent.

3 - CHANGE PRIORITIES AT ANY MOMENT: Be prepared to change priorities at any moment. Be flexible, your priorities are not set in concrete. It is impossible to always know in advance what the priorities are. I therefore decide what they are each day, (or even each hour).

• First I decide which of the four sections is the key priority for that day.
• Then I decide what the priority is in that section.
• Then I do it.

Once done I check out and move on to one of the other three sections. This can be fun - a bit like playing hop-scotch! However, the priorities can change at any moment. For example, you may find one of your children suddenly gets admitted to hospital and all priorities are altered. Or, an urgent request comes from your boss and you switch to that. Or, you find the media ran a negative story on your business that morning. This is how life is.

• Be prepared to change priorities at any moment.
• A willingness to re-evaluate very often is vital.
• Rigidity only builds stress.

How flexible are you? Are you clinging to your plan? Be prepared to change priorities at any moment. This is emotional intelligence in action.

4 - BE ACTIVE IN STAYING HEALTHY: Being healthy is so important in managing a busy life and responsibilities. It is so much harder if you have a headache or flu or backache to avoid becoming stressed. So take care of yourself: your children deserve it, your colleagues need it and you will be happier because of it.

Do what you need to cultivate your health. The busier you are the more important it is that you eat healthy food - no junk - all good food.

The busier you are the more determined you must be to fit in exercise too.

Also the harder you work the more you must clear your mind of the junk and stress.

For example, I make sure that I nearly always put time aside for meditation each day. When I meditate my stress levels diminish and my energy levels rise. I work more productively when I meditate and do it with a greater sense of calm and enjoyment. I have more quality in my life when I meditate. If I don't meditate the stress builds. It is hardly a waste of time then, is it?

Are you determined enough to invest in your own health? Desiring work-life balance requires you to take care of your body, mind and spirit. Are you taking enough care of your health? Emotional intelligence can be applied to all areas of your life. Just because you feel tired and can't be bothered to exercise doesn't mean you don't do it.

5 -  INCLINE TOWARDS POSITIVITY: Incline your mind towards gratitude and positivity. Negative emotions, such as resentment, frustration and anger only add to stress - they do not help reduce it.

Ditch negativity, complaining and anger; they simply increase the stress load. Instead, on a daily basis and in all that you do, train yourself to incline towards positivity and gratitude.

For example, one night I was having to work for the government - not through choice but because the government requires all businesses, big or small, to do lots of administration for tax purposes. It was getting late and I was still slogging through it. Given it was the last day of the tax year it had to be the priority that day.

I heard myself starting to mutter about stupid red tape and complaining about tax policies and how unfair they were on small business. Then I stopped.

Why was I doing that? My complaining was going to make no difference to whether I had to do it or not. The government wasn't going to alter the taxation rules or regulations just because I complained about them. So why get negative? All it was doing was making myself agitated and more stressed. My complaining was hurting me and my Assistant as he was nearby. Do not feed your feelings of being overwhelmed by more negative feelings. It is hardly emotionally intelligent, is it?

I laughed and appreciated that at least my business was still going strong, and I was sitting in front of a lovely log fire on a very cold night.

Even doing the tax can be a lovely thing if you let it and incline towards gratitude.

Do not feed your feelings of being overwhelmed by more negative feelings. It is typical of low emotional intelligence.

Do you incline your mind towards gratitude? It could make it much easier to manage your responsibilities, and it's a beneficial way to develop your emotional intelligence.

Thank you for taking your time to read my work. 

Trust that add value to you.

About the Author:

Emília M. Ludovino, is an international Social & Emotional Intelligence Trainer, Performance Coach, NLP Master Practitioner, Reiki Master/Teacher, founder of the Ki Flow - Emotional Intelligence Training and The Emotional Intelligence Project, social entrepreneur and a life-time practitioner of Mindfulness & Meditation. She holds a LLM Master in International Law from Lisbon’s Law School and a degree in Psychology from School of Applied Psychology, from Lisbon.

ESTJ - THE BOSS WITHOUT FEELINGS

5 EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENT TIPS FOR AN ESTJ @work.

Emotional intelligence and personality are not the same thing but they work in tandem very well. What I have observed though is that the different MBTI types may find some aspects of emotional intelligence easier than others. Emotional intelligence can vary across the Myers Briggs Personality Types (MBTI). However, before I explain this, it is important to say that there is far more to a person's emotional intelligence than their MBTI preferences.

In todays article we're going to learn about the ESTJ type. ESTJ – stands for Extravert, Sensing, Thinking and Judging.

In Jungian psychology the inferior function of a type is the shadow side, the side least likely to be well developed. In the case of an ESTJ, their shadow side is the Feeling preference. This, therefore, means that some ESTJs may find certain aspects of emotional intelligence challenging to develop.

DO ESTJs ANNOY PEOPLE? Do ESTJs rub people up the wrong way? - Yes they can.

When ESTJ's are executives, managers or supervisors this can impact on their employee and stakeholder relationships and potentially hold back their career development as they can run the risk of "rubbing people up the wrong way".

The Feeling preference is not about whether a person feels or not. All types feel and have emotions. All types have emotional intelligence. What the Feeling preference covers is a person's decision making style.

DO ESTJs CONSIDER FEELINGS?  Does a person have a tendency towards making decisions based on feelings and the impact on people, i.e. the Feeling preference? Or, are they more inclined to look for a rational explanation and make a decision based on logic and cause and effect reasoning, ie. the Thinking preference?

ESTJs typically rely on rational logic to be the primary guide in their decision making.

They look for logical reasons to explain things, including people's behaviour.

They may thus fail to understand the significance of emotions that may be driving people's behaviour or dismiss people's emotions as unimportant, irrational or due to a person's over sensitivity.

However, the ability to reason with emotions is an important part of emotional intelligence – Emotional Reasoning and Decision Making.

Someone with high levels of emotional intelligence can accurately read their own and others' emotions and take accurate information about emotions into account when making decisions. They can use emotional knowledge and emotional intelligence to enhance their problem solving skills.

IS EMOTIONAL REASONING AN ESTJ’s WEAK POINT? My experience with ESTJs is that with their dominant Thinking preference, they may find this difficult.

They may even consider emotions as irrelevant or unimportant and dismiss emotional intelligence as an airy fairy concept.

If their dominant Thinking preference is particularly strong, they may not process their own emotions or others effectively and thus may appear to have low emotional intelligence in this emotional intelligence competency.

It isn't as clear cut as it sounds as ESTJs will differ in their levels of emotional intelligence but it is a trend I have observed.

ESTJs can also get stressed when others don't do what they think they ought. If they think there is one right way, then not having people do things the "right" way can be stressful for an ESTJ.

DO THEY HAVE LOW EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE AT WORK?  I'll give you three examples of how this may play out in the workplace

1 - ESTJs are Extraverts - can this affect their emotional intelligence?

They have a tendency to say their opinions out loud, as they think them, rather than reviewing them first, and they like to be in control. They may thus, pay little attention to how their extraverted communication affects the feelings of others and may upset others quite easily. However, ESTJs may not be aware of the impact they are having especially if they don't consider that the feelings of others actually matter. Indeed, they may judge others' feelings as a weakness.

Imagine such an ESTJ in a meeting. They could unintentionally upset many people by not being aware of their own and other's emotions and end up with non-productive meetings or people refusing to cooperate with them.

2 - ESTJs make decisions using black and white rational logic:

ESTJs commonly make their decisions based on black and white rational logic, and may fail to consider the impact of their decisions on others, especially those with a feeling preference. In implementing a decision in their team, therefore, they may find that the team does not come on board easily and may even resent the implementation of the decision made. Workplace productivity may lower as a consequence and conflict increase.

3 - ESTJs are quick to notice errors - can this affect their emotional intelligence?

The ESTJ has a good eye and ear for detail and may be quick to detect any errors in details, accountability or responsibility, however minor or seemingly unimportant to others.

They may then correct these errors out loud and in public, and in front of others. They can be considered sharp or blunt, and certainly straight-forward.

Is this a sign of high emotional intelligence? Not often, no. When they do this they may unintentionally cause offence and leave people feeling embarrassed, humiliated or stupid. This can cause workplace distrust and ESTJ managers may find their staff no longer tell them what is happening as they try to avoid the criticism and humiliation. No one wants to feel or look stupid in front of their colleagues.

They may even be critical of people in higher positions than themselves and win themselves no favours, especially amongst those who may have "retired on the job", or are shirking their responsibilities, or they consider are "not accountable".

It is situations like these that may result in ESTJs being judged by others to have lower levels of emotional intelligence in the workplace.

Taking all this into consideration, here are 5 tips on emotional intelligence for an ESTJ at work.

1 - Pause before criticising: When you notice that someone has made an error, resist the inclination to jump in immediately and correct him or her.

For example, people may have said that Amsterdam is 5 miles from somewhere else, and you know it's actually 5.6 miles and wish to correct the error. Instead of doing this consider:

- How will the people feel if you correct them now? They may feel put down, insulted, unheard, belittled, humiliated, embarrassed, misunderstood, peeved, stupid or a similar emotion. (They may feel worse if you are correcting them publicly in a meeting or in front of others rather than if you are talking to them privately.). Ask yourself:

• Is this consequence worth it?
• Is there a better place or time to correct the information?
• Does it have to be now?
• If people may get upset, does it have to be done at all?
• What are the consequences if the information remains incorrect?

By applying higher levels of emotional intelligence you could start to prioritise what to correct and what not to correct. Remember, that not everyone else has the same drive for correctness that you do.

2  - Consider the emotional impact of what you say: One of the competencies of emotional intelligence is the ability to manage the emotions of others.

The way we speak and how we talk with people contributes enormously to the emotional impact we have on people and how we influence their emotions.

Before you speak to someone therefore, consider the emotional impact of what you are about to say and how you are about to say it.

An ESTJ can be perceived to be blunt by others. This ESTJ bluntness can offend, hurt or upset others.

Self-reflection may help you to be less blunt. Self-reflection is typical of someone with high levels of emotional intelligence.

Thus, considering carefully the emotional impact of what you say and how you say it could be a good step forward in developing your emotional intelligence even more.

For example, I once said to an ESTJ that I was concerned that a person's name may have been missed off a list we were collating together. The blunt reply I got back was, "They are on the list, look again". As I heard, "They are on the list, look again", I also heard "stupid" in brackets at the end.

Any ESTJ reading this may think that this is clear communication. It certainly is clear. What it fails to do is to take into account the emotional impact that this blunt communication has on the receiver.

If an ESTJ wishes to develop their emotional intelligence further they can be helped by realising that it is information PLUS emotional engagement that leads to the most successful communication, and not just information on its own. Someone with high levels of emotional intelligence would factor this into their decision making.

Another way of saying the same thing which does take into account the feeling and emotions of the receiver is "Good news, I've checked the list for you and found the people on the second page. They were hard to see though as they were right next to the heading, I have moved them further down so they are easier to see. Good we checked."

3 - Consider the impact your work has on people: An ESTJ can be very task orientated. They can become single minded and be so focussed on going step-by-step through their process that they fail to consider the impact of their work on the people in their environment. - Who cares? The other people do. An ESTJ with high levels of emotional intelligence would too.

Stop! and consider the other people who are involved in the project with you.

• How are they feeling?
• What emotional impact is your style of work having on them?
• Do they need anything different from you?
• If you don't know, ask.

Maybe if you are an ESTJ you don't care! Maybe you think this is irrelevant and it's the responsibility of your colleagues to manage their emotions. This is only part of the story. If you want to develop higher levels of emotional intelligence and be a more successful manager or leader, considering other people's feelings is an important part of this.

I recently had the head of a leadership team saying, about a group of ESTJs who were in his team, "The ESTJs were so task orientated that they failed to see the train wreckage they were leaving behind."

Do you really want to leave a train wreckage? If not, you could, as an ESTJ, benefit from developing your emotional intelligence and softening the negative impact you have on others. Projects are more likely to be finished faster if you do. Conflicts waste time and money.

4 - Validate and acknowledge feelings: I was listening to a conversation once, where a man was saying how upset and concerned he was over something that had happened. The ESTJ woman whom he was talking to, simply said, "You'll get over it." He was dismissed in one hit!

One of the dimensions of emotional intelligence is the ability to understand and acknowledge how someone else is feeling. This ESTJ did not demonstrate this at all. Of course, at a logical level the man will get over it at some stage. However, this response dismisses the significance of his emotional response and at best ignores it.

An ESTJ might learn an alternative way to respond to people's feelings. It doesn't have to be complex or deep. (An ESTJ may feel very uncomfortable if they thought they were getting into a deep and meaningful emotional discussion or stepping into an emotional outpouring.)

• It could simply be that you acknowledge how a person feels.
• "I can see you're upset about that," or
• "It sounds like Maria has left you feeling embarrassed."

Just that alone would reflect a higher level of emotional intelligence and an understanding of others' emotions. - Why bother?  - It means that the team you manage will trust you more.

5 - Avoid statements that appear as put-downs: I remember explaining to an ESTJ once why it was a little difficult for me to take time out of my business for a holiday at short notice. I wasn't complaining about this as I love my work and I get booked, well in advance, to speak on emotional intelligence at some amazing conferences. I was simply giving some data. The response came back, "Well, you decided to run your own business, no-one else."

- What kind of emotional intelligence did this response display? Very little!

Imagine if you have stakeholders or employees who are giving you information and you put them down in this way. How will it affect the relationship? Badly!!!

Sure, you could argue it's just a statement of fact but it is presented in a critical way. It is the criticism that will be received and will knock your success at building collaborative or innovative partnerships. Emotional intelligence is vital for working relationships.

SUMMARY ON EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE IN ESTJS AND THEIR STRENGTHS

ESTJs are often superb administrators. They can get jobs done on time, to specification and on budget.

They have a lot going for them when it comes to complex technical tasks and project management. They can therefore end up in executive or managerial positions responsible for working with, motivating and collaborating with people. This is why their emotional intelligence matters.

Relationships require emotional intelligence skills. No matter how practical and results driven you are, if, as an ESTJ, you are also working with people, you need to develop and use your emotional intelligence.