LOVING-KINDNESS MEDITATION

The original name of this practice is metta bhavana, which comes from the Pali language. Metta means ‘love’ (in a non-romantic sense), friendliness, or kindness: hence ‘loving-kindness’ for short. It is an emotion, something you feel in your heart. Bhavana means development or cultivation. The commonest form of the practice is in five stages, each of which should last about five minutes for a beginner.

It is a fact of life that many people are troubled by difficult emotional states in the pressured societies we live in, but do little in terms of developing skills to deal with them. Yet, even when the mind goes sour it is within most people's capacity to arouse positive feelings to sweeten it. 

Loving-kindness is a meditation practice taught by the Buddha to develop the mental habit of selfless or altruistic love. In the Dhammapada can be found the saying: "Hatred cannot coexist with loving-kindness, and dissipates if supplanted with thoughts based on loving-kindness."

Loving-kindness is a meditation practice, which brings about positive attitudinal changes as it systematically develops the quality of 'loving-acceptance'. It acts, as it were, as a form of self-psychotherapy, a way of healing the troubled mind to free it from its pain and confusion. 

Of all Buddhist meditations, loving-kindness has the immediate benefit of sweetening and changing old habituated negative patterns of mind. To put it into its context, Loving-kindness is the first of a series of meditations that produce four qualities of love: Friendliness, Compassion, Appreciative Joy and Equanimity. 

The quality of 'friendliness' is expressed as warmth that reaches out and embraces others. When loving-kindness practice matures it naturally overflows into compassion, as one empathises with other people's difficulties; on the other hand one needs to be wary of pity, as its near enemy, as it merely mimics the quality of concern without empathy. The positive expression of empathy is an appreciation of other people's good qualities or good fortune, or appreciative joy, rather than feelings of jealousy towards them. This series of meditations comes to maturity as 'on-looking equanimity'. This 'engaged equanimity' must be cultivated within the context of this series of meditations, or there is a risk of it manifesting as its near enemy, indifference or aloofness. So, ultimately you remain kindly disposed and caring toward everybody with an equal spread of loving feelings and acceptance in all situations and relationships.

How to do it . . .

To practice loving-kindness meditation, sit in a comfortable and relaxed manner. Take two or three deep breaths with slow, long and complete exhalations. Let go of any concerns or preoccupations. For a few minutes, feel or imagine the breath moving through the center of your chest - in the area of your heart. (If resistance is experienced then it indicates that feelings of unworthiness are present. No matter, this means there is work to be done, as the practice itself is designed to overcome any feelings of self-doubt or negativity. Then you are ready to systematically develop loving-kindness towards others.) 

Metta is first practiced toward oneself, since we often have difficulty loving others without first loving ourselves. Sitting quietly, mentally repeat, slowly and steadily, the following or similar phrases: May I be happy. May I be well. May I be safe. May I be peaceful and at ease. While you say these phrases, allow yourself to sink into the intentions they express. 

Loving-kindness meditation consists primarily of connecting to the intention of wishing ourselves or others happiness. However, if feelings of warmth, friendliness, or love arise in the body or mind, connect to them, allowing them to grow as you repeat the phrases. As an aid to the meditation, you might hold an image of yourself in your mind's eye. This helps reinforce the intentions expressed in the phrases. 

After a period of directing loving-kindness toward yourself, bring to mind a friend or someone in your life who has deeply cared for you. Then slowly repeat phrases of loving-kindness toward them: May you be happy. May you be well. May you be safe. May you be peaceful and at ease. As you say these phrases, again sink into their intention or heartfelt meaning. And, if any feelings of loving-kindness arise, connect the feelings with the phrases so that the feelings may become stronger as you repeat the words. As you continue the meditation, you can bring to mind other friends, neighbors, acquaintances, strangers, animals, and finally people with whom you have difficulty.

You can either use the same phrases, repeating them again and again, or make up phrases that better represent the loving-kindness you feel toward these beings. 

Sometimes during loving-kindness meditation, seemingly opposite feelings such as anger, grief, or sadness may arise. Take these to be signs that your heart is softening, revealing what is held there. You can either shift to mindfulness practice or you can—with whatever patience, acceptance, and kindness you can muster for such feelings—direct loving-kindness toward them. Above all, remember that there is no need to judge yourself for having these feelings.

The visualisations, reflections and the repetition of loving-kindness are devices to help you arouse positive feelings of loving-kindness. You can use all of them or one that works best for you. When the positive feeling arise, switch from the devices to the feeling, as it is the feeling that is the primary focus. 

Keep the mind fixed on the feeling, if it strays bring it back to the device, or if the feelings weaken or are lost then return to the device, i.e. use the visualisation to bring back or strengthen the feeling.

Loving-kindness is a heart meditation and should not to be seen as just a formal sitting practice removed from everyday life. So take your good vibes outside into the streets, at home, at work and into your relationships. Applying the practice to daily life is a matter of directing a friendly attitude and having openness toward everybody you relate to, without discrimination.

There are as many different ways of doing it as there are levels of intensity in the practice. This introduction is intended to help you familiarize yourself with the basic technique, so that you can become established in the practice before going on, if you wish, to the deeper, systematic practice - to the level of meditative absorption.

ESTJ - THE BOSS WITHOUT FEELINGS

5 EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENT TIPS FOR AN ESTJ @work.

Emotional intelligence and personality are not the same thing but they work in tandem very well. What I have observed though is that the different MBTI types may find some aspects of emotional intelligence easier than others. Emotional intelligence can vary across the Myers Briggs Personality Types (MBTI). However, before I explain this, it is important to say that there is far more to a person's emotional intelligence than their MBTI preferences.

In todays article we're going to learn about the ESTJ type. ESTJ – stands for Extravert, Sensing, Thinking and Judging.

In Jungian psychology the inferior function of a type is the shadow side, the side least likely to be well developed. In the case of an ESTJ, their shadow side is the Feeling preference. This, therefore, means that some ESTJs may find certain aspects of emotional intelligence challenging to develop.

DO ESTJs ANNOY PEOPLE? Do ESTJs rub people up the wrong way? - Yes they can.

When ESTJ's are executives, managers or supervisors this can impact on their employee and stakeholder relationships and potentially hold back their career development as they can run the risk of "rubbing people up the wrong way".

The Feeling preference is not about whether a person feels or not. All types feel and have emotions. All types have emotional intelligence. What the Feeling preference covers is a person's decision making style.

DO ESTJs CONSIDER FEELINGS?  Does a person have a tendency towards making decisions based on feelings and the impact on people, i.e. the Feeling preference? Or, are they more inclined to look for a rational explanation and make a decision based on logic and cause and effect reasoning, ie. the Thinking preference?

ESTJs typically rely on rational logic to be the primary guide in their decision making.

They look for logical reasons to explain things, including people's behaviour.

They may thus fail to understand the significance of emotions that may be driving people's behaviour or dismiss people's emotions as unimportant, irrational or due to a person's over sensitivity.

However, the ability to reason with emotions is an important part of emotional intelligence – Emotional Reasoning and Decision Making.

Someone with high levels of emotional intelligence can accurately read their own and others' emotions and take accurate information about emotions into account when making decisions. They can use emotional knowledge and emotional intelligence to enhance their problem solving skills.

IS EMOTIONAL REASONING AN ESTJ’s WEAK POINT? My experience with ESTJs is that with their dominant Thinking preference, they may find this difficult.

They may even consider emotions as irrelevant or unimportant and dismiss emotional intelligence as an airy fairy concept.

If their dominant Thinking preference is particularly strong, they may not process their own emotions or others effectively and thus may appear to have low emotional intelligence in this emotional intelligence competency.

It isn't as clear cut as it sounds as ESTJs will differ in their levels of emotional intelligence but it is a trend I have observed.

ESTJs can also get stressed when others don't do what they think they ought. If they think there is one right way, then not having people do things the "right" way can be stressful for an ESTJ.

DO THEY HAVE LOW EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE AT WORK?  I'll give you three examples of how this may play out in the workplace

1 - ESTJs are Extraverts - can this affect their emotional intelligence?

They have a tendency to say their opinions out loud, as they think them, rather than reviewing them first, and they like to be in control. They may thus, pay little attention to how their extraverted communication affects the feelings of others and may upset others quite easily. However, ESTJs may not be aware of the impact they are having especially if they don't consider that the feelings of others actually matter. Indeed, they may judge others' feelings as a weakness.

Imagine such an ESTJ in a meeting. They could unintentionally upset many people by not being aware of their own and other's emotions and end up with non-productive meetings or people refusing to cooperate with them.

2 - ESTJs make decisions using black and white rational logic:

ESTJs commonly make their decisions based on black and white rational logic, and may fail to consider the impact of their decisions on others, especially those with a feeling preference. In implementing a decision in their team, therefore, they may find that the team does not come on board easily and may even resent the implementation of the decision made. Workplace productivity may lower as a consequence and conflict increase.

3 - ESTJs are quick to notice errors - can this affect their emotional intelligence?

The ESTJ has a good eye and ear for detail and may be quick to detect any errors in details, accountability or responsibility, however minor or seemingly unimportant to others.

They may then correct these errors out loud and in public, and in front of others. They can be considered sharp or blunt, and certainly straight-forward.

Is this a sign of high emotional intelligence? Not often, no. When they do this they may unintentionally cause offence and leave people feeling embarrassed, humiliated or stupid. This can cause workplace distrust and ESTJ managers may find their staff no longer tell them what is happening as they try to avoid the criticism and humiliation. No one wants to feel or look stupid in front of their colleagues.

They may even be critical of people in higher positions than themselves and win themselves no favours, especially amongst those who may have "retired on the job", or are shirking their responsibilities, or they consider are "not accountable".

It is situations like these that may result in ESTJs being judged by others to have lower levels of emotional intelligence in the workplace.

Taking all this into consideration, here are 5 tips on emotional intelligence for an ESTJ at work.

1 - Pause before criticising: When you notice that someone has made an error, resist the inclination to jump in immediately and correct him or her.

For example, people may have said that Amsterdam is 5 miles from somewhere else, and you know it's actually 5.6 miles and wish to correct the error. Instead of doing this consider:

- How will the people feel if you correct them now? They may feel put down, insulted, unheard, belittled, humiliated, embarrassed, misunderstood, peeved, stupid or a similar emotion. (They may feel worse if you are correcting them publicly in a meeting or in front of others rather than if you are talking to them privately.). Ask yourself:

• Is this consequence worth it?
• Is there a better place or time to correct the information?
• Does it have to be now?
• If people may get upset, does it have to be done at all?
• What are the consequences if the information remains incorrect?

By applying higher levels of emotional intelligence you could start to prioritise what to correct and what not to correct. Remember, that not everyone else has the same drive for correctness that you do.

2  - Consider the emotional impact of what you say: One of the competencies of emotional intelligence is the ability to manage the emotions of others.

The way we speak and how we talk with people contributes enormously to the emotional impact we have on people and how we influence their emotions.

Before you speak to someone therefore, consider the emotional impact of what you are about to say and how you are about to say it.

An ESTJ can be perceived to be blunt by others. This ESTJ bluntness can offend, hurt or upset others.

Self-reflection may help you to be less blunt. Self-reflection is typical of someone with high levels of emotional intelligence.

Thus, considering carefully the emotional impact of what you say and how you say it could be a good step forward in developing your emotional intelligence even more.

For example, I once said to an ESTJ that I was concerned that a person's name may have been missed off a list we were collating together. The blunt reply I got back was, "They are on the list, look again". As I heard, "They are on the list, look again", I also heard "stupid" in brackets at the end.

Any ESTJ reading this may think that this is clear communication. It certainly is clear. What it fails to do is to take into account the emotional impact that this blunt communication has on the receiver.

If an ESTJ wishes to develop their emotional intelligence further they can be helped by realising that it is information PLUS emotional engagement that leads to the most successful communication, and not just information on its own. Someone with high levels of emotional intelligence would factor this into their decision making.

Another way of saying the same thing which does take into account the feeling and emotions of the receiver is "Good news, I've checked the list for you and found the people on the second page. They were hard to see though as they were right next to the heading, I have moved them further down so they are easier to see. Good we checked."

3 - Consider the impact your work has on people: An ESTJ can be very task orientated. They can become single minded and be so focussed on going step-by-step through their process that they fail to consider the impact of their work on the people in their environment. - Who cares? The other people do. An ESTJ with high levels of emotional intelligence would too.

Stop! and consider the other people who are involved in the project with you.

• How are they feeling?
• What emotional impact is your style of work having on them?
• Do they need anything different from you?
• If you don't know, ask.

Maybe if you are an ESTJ you don't care! Maybe you think this is irrelevant and it's the responsibility of your colleagues to manage their emotions. This is only part of the story. If you want to develop higher levels of emotional intelligence and be a more successful manager or leader, considering other people's feelings is an important part of this.

I recently had the head of a leadership team saying, about a group of ESTJs who were in his team, "The ESTJs were so task orientated that they failed to see the train wreckage they were leaving behind."

Do you really want to leave a train wreckage? If not, you could, as an ESTJ, benefit from developing your emotional intelligence and softening the negative impact you have on others. Projects are more likely to be finished faster if you do. Conflicts waste time and money.

4 - Validate and acknowledge feelings: I was listening to a conversation once, where a man was saying how upset and concerned he was over something that had happened. The ESTJ woman whom he was talking to, simply said, "You'll get over it." He was dismissed in one hit!

One of the dimensions of emotional intelligence is the ability to understand and acknowledge how someone else is feeling. This ESTJ did not demonstrate this at all. Of course, at a logical level the man will get over it at some stage. However, this response dismisses the significance of his emotional response and at best ignores it.

An ESTJ might learn an alternative way to respond to people's feelings. It doesn't have to be complex or deep. (An ESTJ may feel very uncomfortable if they thought they were getting into a deep and meaningful emotional discussion or stepping into an emotional outpouring.)

• It could simply be that you acknowledge how a person feels.
• "I can see you're upset about that," or
• "It sounds like Maria has left you feeling embarrassed."

Just that alone would reflect a higher level of emotional intelligence and an understanding of others' emotions. - Why bother?  - It means that the team you manage will trust you more.

5 - Avoid statements that appear as put-downs: I remember explaining to an ESTJ once why it was a little difficult for me to take time out of my business for a holiday at short notice. I wasn't complaining about this as I love my work and I get booked, well in advance, to speak on emotional intelligence at some amazing conferences. I was simply giving some data. The response came back, "Well, you decided to run your own business, no-one else."

- What kind of emotional intelligence did this response display? Very little!

Imagine if you have stakeholders or employees who are giving you information and you put them down in this way. How will it affect the relationship? Badly!!!

Sure, you could argue it's just a statement of fact but it is presented in a critical way. It is the criticism that will be received and will knock your success at building collaborative or innovative partnerships. Emotional intelligence is vital for working relationships.

SUMMARY ON EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE IN ESTJS AND THEIR STRENGTHS

ESTJs are often superb administrators. They can get jobs done on time, to specification and on budget.

They have a lot going for them when it comes to complex technical tasks and project management. They can therefore end up in executive or managerial positions responsible for working with, motivating and collaborating with people. This is why their emotional intelligence matters.

Relationships require emotional intelligence skills. No matter how practical and results driven you are, if, as an ESTJ, you are also working with people, you need to develop and use your emotional intelligence.

ISTJ - ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY "SHOW EMOTIONS"

Written by: Emília M. Ludovino, Emotional Intelligence Trainer

Category: Emotional Intelligence, MBTI, ISTJ

IMPORTANT THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ISTJs

Emotional intelligence and personality are not the same thing. However, as different types of people react differently to their own and other people's emotions there is much to be learnt from discussing these together.

I have used the Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI - 16 personality types) for some time and find the classifications of personality very valuable.

Although not all people of the same type will have the same levels of emotional intelligence they may find some aspects of emotional intelligence easier to develop than others, may use their emotional intelligence in different ways, and may benefit from focusing on different applications of EQ at work.

Also, I am certain that some types will be more interested in emotional intelligence than others! However, if some people are not interested in their Ei at work, the people with whom they work and interact probably are, as it impacts directly on them.

This is one of a series of articles on personality and emotional intelligence, and will look at how one type, the ISTJ, can enhance their Ei at work. The article examines:

• The emotions that may typically arise in an ISTJ in particular situations.
• Ways that an ISTJ may manage these emotions.
• Communication methods they may adopt that suit their type.

The I stands for Introversion, S for Sensing, T for Thinking and J for Judging.

Here are 5 ways an ISTJ can use his/her EI at work and get the best out of being an ISTJ.

1 - ASK FOR DETAILS: ISTJs work best with details, in a step-by-step linear sequence. ISTJs know that there are right and wrong ways to do many things, such as speak grammatical English or correct ways to signal on roundabouts. They are likely to become irritated at people who get it wrong.

While INTPs analyse, ISTJs are evaluating correctness of procedure in other people's actions. ISTJs correct other people's imperfections, they proof read and mentally correct everything. Of course being a sensate means they notice details that the iNtuitive may miss.

If details are missing they can feel frustrated, stressed or paralysed. If they are not given the details they require, for instance by an iNtuitive boss, they may be unable to comprehend what they are being instructed to do. One ISTJ explained to me that if this happens they can feel that the boss is inadequate or stupid for not understanding the needs of the person he/she is instructing.

If you are an ISTJ in this situation, one simple way to overcome the lack of details is to ask questions until you get them. This can require confidence as you won't want to seem stupid in front of your senior people, but it will mean you will be able to do your job, and this in turn will help you shift your emotions into a more positive status.

One aspect of emotional intelligence is the ability to be able to move through unhelpful emotions to more helpful ones. Dwelling in resentment at the boss who hasn't given you the level of instruction you need may not help you, whereas deliberately requesting more details may.

One word of caution though, some iNtuitives may not be able to give you the exact details you need in the linear way you may prefer, so meeting them with this insight may help you avoid too much self-blame or implicit criticism of the boss.

Knowledge of the types can help people manage their emotions and understand their own emotional reactions. Self-awareness is a crucial element of emotional intelligence and very helpful at work.

2 - WORK IN PEACE AND QUIET: Noise, constant interruptions or people talking while they're trying to think, can all reduce the productivity of ISTJs and leave them feeling frustrated, annoyed or agitated. They are typical of many Introverts in this regard. If ISTJs can't concentrate on their jobs and hear themselves think, their productivity diminishes and their tension and stress increase.

If you are an ISTJ and experiencing such frustration, consider altering your work environment so you have peace and quiet in some way or other.

I know one ISTJ who was put in a noisy open-plan office close to others who were talking on the phone and to each other. He became despondent because he couldn't focus on his work. ISTJs are known to be steadfast in completing tasks. When they can't do this it is stressful for them.

This ISTJ complained to the senior manager about the working conditions. He ended up accepting a run-down building to work in as he could have his own room. He is much more relaxed and enjoys his job again. As a consequence his work benefits as he is at his best and productive.

3 - KEEP THINGS THE SAME: Most ISTJs prefer their lives to be predictable and can feel unsettled when things change, especially if there seems to be no good reason for it. They may live by the motto:"If it ain't broke, don't fix it". They feel most content when things stay the same. This contrasts with some other types who may get bored if things don't keep changing.

In a world and a workplace that is subjected to constant change this can require an ISTJ to have considerable emotional intelligence skills to cope. One way to handle work, if you're an ISTJ, is to choose a job where you can build up experience and knowledge over a period of time.

I spoke to an ISTJ woman recently who said, "I like to stay in the same job because my satisfaction comes from building up my experience and knowledge. I haven't changed jobs for 15 years and I'm happy where I am". This is fairly typical of an ISTJ and in complete contrast to iNtuitive types who often get bored when things don't change.

4 - WATCH OUT FOR CATASTROPHISING: All types have what Carl Jung called an "Inferior Function" or shadow side to their personalities.

Your Inferior Function is the part of you that is the least well developed but under times of significant stress may take you over. At these times you may become more negative in some way; in what way is determined by your type. As an ISTJ your inferior function is extraverted iNtuition. This means you may become swamped by feelings about a negative future.

ISTJs under the stress of their inferior function can fall into "catastrophising". They imagine the worst happening. Their loved ones may be late home and they presume ambulances have taken them to hospital, when really they just stopped to chat to colleagues; they have a hard task to complete and are sure "It's going to kill them", when over time they master the skills required and do an excellent job; and so on.

Simply knowing this can help an ISTJ use his/her rational logic at this time. However, even more important for an ISTJ at work is to be able to sense when stress is mounting, before it becomes so strong that the Inferior takes over. They may not find emotional self-awareness easy though and this is an area that they could usefully pay more attention to and develop.

There are many different ways to develop more EI at work, and the priority aspects to focus on may vary for each type and each person. Having an emotional intelligence assessment will, of course, help establish the priorities for each person.

5 - GET TO KNOW YOUR TYPE: ISTJs can enjoy tasks and hobbies such as reading, although they may not naturally read self-help books, and are more likely to read technical manuals or scientific journals.

However, If you're an ISTJ, take the time to read about your type and to become more knowledgeable of who you are, how you react at work, and how you work best. ISTJs, like all types, have many strengths and gifts. Know what these are and develop them fully in yourself. What is your EI at work? How well are you managing your emotions?

Thank You for taking your time to read my blog. 

Please, if the information was useful for you, leave me your feedback on the comments below, and share it with others, as we never know when we are inspiring someone.

Take Care and Have a Blessed Day!